Croft: Tomb Raider Sex Doll — Because Apparently This Is Where We Are Now

The Unboxing Experience (If You Can Call It That)

You know, I never imagined my adult life would involve waiting six weeks for a 5-foot-5 silicone sex doll to arrive in a plain box. Yet here we are. Absolute sex dolls promise “discreet packaging,” and let me tell you, they deliver on that—unless your neighbors are suspicious about oddly heavy, coffin-sized shipments. Mine just raised an eyebrow and offered no comment.

It’s not every day you open a box to find Lara Croft’s athletic doppelganger staring up at you with glassy eyes and perfectly molded E-cup breasts. She’s… imposing? And heavier than expected—76 pounds isn’t something you just toss onto the bed without some grunting.

Odd Details You Don’t Think About Until You Do

There’s something weirdly clinical about reading doll measurements online. Bust: 33 inches, waist: 23, hips: 35. Shoe size? US women’s 4.5-5 (not that I’m buying her shoes). But then there’s the “hole depth” specs—vagina: 7.1 inches, anus: 6.7 inches—which feels both too specific and not specific enough.

The steel skeleton is supposed to make her “poseable.” In reality? Joints creak like haunted house doors if you’re not gentle, which is hilarious in its own way.

I remember thinking—who exactly needs this level of anatomical precision? Then again, maybe it’s best not to ask.

Not Quite What I Expected

Let’s talk about expectations versus reality for a second. On the site, she looks like she just stepped out of an action-adventure game: long legs, red hair (the color is almost cartoonish), big boobs that seem to defy gravity because of course they do. In real life… well, the effect is more uncanny valley than video game fantasy.

She stands tall at 167 cm (that athletic hybrid look absolute sex dolls keep hyping), but balancing her upright requires patience and a sense of humor—or maybe just strong forearms.

And yes, vaginal and anal sex are possible (if anyone was still wondering). The marketing makes it sound so matter-of-fact; the actual logistics are less seamless than advertised.

Processing Times & Waiting Games

Ordering this thing means accepting that nothing happens quickly. Three or four weeks processing time plus two more for shipping equals a month-and-a-half spent periodically explaining away your anticipation (“Nope! Still haven’t gotten my package”). Free international shipping softens the blow but doesn’t make time move faster.

I’ll admit—I started forgetting what I’d ordered by week five. When she finally arrived… let’s say it wasn’t exactly Christmas morning excitement.

An Unexpected Downside

Here’s what nobody tells you about owning an absolute sex doll like this one—you start seeing your living room differently. Suddenly there’s nowhere casual to put her when friends come over unexpectedly (“Oh hey! Ignore Lara in the corner…”). Storage becomes an existential crisis unless you have spare closets or zero shame left to lose.

And cleaning? Not fun. Silicone is easy-ish to wipe down but those joints trap dust like nobody's business.

A Tangent About Bunny Outfits

Weirdly enough, there was also some mention on forums about dressing these dolls up in bunny outfits or cosplay costumes—a whole world I had never considered before this purchase spiral began. Maybe some people get really into accessorizing their love dolls; personally I found myself googling “how to store silicone mannequins” instead of lingerie shops.

Sometimes curiosity leads down odd rabbit holes—pun intended—but hey, at least now I know where all those tiny shoes go missing from online stores…

Final Pause (Not Closure)

Is the Croft Tomb Raider Sex Doll worth it? Depends on how much value you place on novelty versus realism versus sheer logistical hassle. She does tick all the boxes for someone chasing very specific fantasies—a sort of starpery hybrid dream girl with big boobs and even bigger delivery times—but honestly… it feels stranger having her here than not.

Maybe next time I’ll just stick with action figures—the kind that don’t require closet space or awkward explanations when company drops by unannounced